Dial X

It's 1 am and I am still onto Kureishi to put me to sleep. But the darn book reads so well that slumber isn't kicking in yet. So I decided to play detective on internet and trace common threads of fucked up paths I have chartered so far. Doesn't make sense?? I was googling my ex boyfriends figuring out where they have reached in life. (yeah I know what an unhealthy screwed up hobby). No, I don't do this on a regular basis but then some sort of a twisted voeuyer nudged me and told me to go on...
Normally when I close a chapter, may it be on any translucent aspect of my life I close it so darn well that you can't see even the slightest trace of dirt. In my case of broken over dramatic affairs I have tightly jammed the lid. And today for some strange suicidal reason I decided to blow the lid off and gasp in horror to the kind of childishness I have indulged in my past. Past is an interesting reference point to start... it gives you a ghastly insight into your subconsicous and tells you who you were 2 years before. And as you count dates back you tick the dates ahead of wisdom and common sense. I am reckless still, impulsive rather and I shop for emotions as foolishly as a maniacal lottery winner .. who doesn't know what to do with pots of money. I have been too vunerable, too stupid (yes) but i have lived .. I haven't stuck to any normative code of conduct or any bible of chastity .. I have done what i have pleased and in the right manner ! And even though Kureishi still dumbfounds me with his literary charms... I must say I have been smitten before!