Bheja Fry

Patterns of anxiety : I thought initially I would collate all the 'stress' factors in a neat tabular format for this piece but then I decided to stick to my conventional method of expressing myself which is one long, often incoherent ramblings detailing the most routine to the most bizarre incidences of my life. I tend to always almost obsessively fall into a pattern of enormous 'paranoia' right before a crucial decision of my life. Yes, many do term it as a chronic case of indecisiveness while others affirm that it is usually a mild bout of allergy towards anything permanent (or so it is defined) in life. Jobs, boyfriends, cities, modes of transport are parameters that are transient. Today I am in print, earlier I was in television. Choice, easily transferable , boyfriends (again not quite easily trade able but one can hit the delete button for myriad reasons; often the reasons are completely rational in the human brain), modes of transport (depending on money, time and also whim). But when it comes to issues like say for instance - marriage - my brain signals innumerable alert messages at the most inappropriate, inconvenient of times. For instance, picture this, till yesterday I would have replied to a sms that read: I miss you with an equal fervour, read again: I miss you back! But if I receive the same message minutes before I know my life will alter in one clean stroke, my brain will signal- this is an annoying pattern to text in to the 'to-be-wedded' the same message as a token of assurance. Its routine you know, I do get bored when you I do anything routinely, even if its say a simple thing like brushing my teeth, I rotate my brush in various angular positions while humming a 60s song literally frothing at my mouth just to induce some excitement into that morning ceremony. OK let me not detail this further or illustrate it with graphic descriptions of how one introduces ingenuous way of crapping or pee'ing! No that's not the idea. But the deal is, why make emotions routine? Isn't it painful? Isn't it stupid? And please cry out loud lord, isn't it just plain simple boring? Ah, so this was anxiety number 1. Next, references. Move over privileges of singledom as the albatross of marriage will hang around your neck and suck the blood out. Yes, that skip and miss glance the minute you utter the phrase: I am married. Even though your brain says, you don't need to repeat that or chant that, your heart knocks loud enough and says- you might as well, lest, the guy mistakes you for someone who is available for a coffee and a harmless soiree of flirting. So, the brain again works you up by telling you - memorise you'd be married in less than XYZ time. Its much like a suicide bomb, you are strapped onto a contraption that will take off any minute and your identity of this fun-I care a fuck- single woman will be collectively blown apart and also take other eligible perfectly flirt able guys along with it. My brain is already scribbling obituaries. Next, I cannot hormonally find someone exciting, is what the ultra-conservative brain in the garb of a 'moral beast' dictates; how can you? Don't you have someone to make-out with like a rabbit? So, chuck the check-list or literally 'TO DO' list. All those loving habits like concern, meeting all the time seem to suddenly pile dust. The brain again louder than before makes a note: as if its a ball-point pen that is constantly ticked on and off; your social habitual somewhat bordering on distasteful habits will be monitored, frowned upon or simply be tweaked around with.

There are many things that at present contribute to 'a frame of mind' that is constantly rejecting the events that will go on to occur. It is constantly forewarning, humming, buzzing, negotiating, dictating - 'matters of heart' they say; now isn't that just being sarcastic!